I’m turning 24 this month. I am in an awkward stage, because I haven’t done much for over a months time. Times are hard and my brain is racked. A new year begins for me on October the thirtieth, I need to get it together.
I’m gonna be real honest and say that I am poor. Financially I don’t have anything right now. The debt from school is looming its dark shadow and I am poor. I must disclose that I understand how extremely lucky I am and how much love I receive from family and friends, I am humbled by it all and it often overwhelms me at times. But as this is the internet and we are allowed to rant and seemingly complain nonsense, I feel slightly okay and have no feelings of regret for saying that being poor financially 100% sucks, nor ranting about it all.
Yes I can get a conventional job, completely having nothing to do with what I went to school for or dreamt about, everyone does it for a time. And I’ve considered it and continue too, but I have no car to get to a job daily and routinely without inconveniencing someone else. I hate that. I don’t even drive to make matters worst. Pathetic. Not to forget that on the reservation there are no jobs, so I was always doomed.
So for the past month I have sat at home and simply stared at the walls of a trailer falling to bits and tried my hardest to remain myself. Everyone is doing something progressive for themselves and I am here sat feeling stuck in limbo.
Its been absolutely amazing to get back time with my little family, my two little brothers and my mom. But one of the hardest parts has been reminded of the struggle my mom deals with everyday. Since I left for college my life has been about study and learning and experiencing the place beyond the pine. It was about me and growing and making discovery’s of self and making new relationships. I never forgot once where I came from or the sacrifices made to get there, but I discovered and lived in a world without much real life struggle for 5 years because I was under the guise of a college student. Now that veil is gone. I’m not that kid anymore who was afraid of everything and was entirely depended on his mother. I’m gonna be 24, I am an adult and I see my family struggle and I feel completely helpless.
It’s strange trying to balance so much and understanding possible outcomes if one thing goes out of balance. It’s also extremely tiring to keep it all together. Not that I’d even want to go even slightly metal from it all, but boy are times tough as hell. I find myself sometimes envying other peoples convenient lives. I know I shouldn’t, it’s not healthy, but when your family goes without the simplest necessities like proper running water, it really puts things into perspective.
Not to mention having to live with a complete nutter whose head is as thick as can be. His very presence drives me mad. It’s like living in a horror story only your left to live with the monster.
My mom works so hard. I can’t even complain to her because she is working herself way too hard. She needs help, my help and I’m sat here ranting about all this. Well played life, well played. I guess I just needed someone to know and someone to listen. I know I don’t deserve sympathy, because I feel, despite the obvious hardships of trying to survive, I have been blessed with so many wonderful things in my life. So much that I cannot even allow myself to feel sorry for my woes. I had some awesome experiences in my 23 years that are just amazing. I know more are to come. I just have to continue working my ass off through whatever this is I’m going through right now. It’s all just tough.
When I wake up tomorrow I’ll try something new. And I’ll keep trying until I get it right. Thanks for listening, I’m sure you had better things to do then listen to this.
“Sometimes I forget to listen. I forget to let a friend be. To tell their whole story and paint their full heart into the air. I’m too eager to respond with a fix, a solution, a plan. I interrupt the art. I look for a pause to jump in and offer all sorts of articulate banter, when this isn’t what they want. They just want to speak until they’re out of breath, and then meet eyes and feel like they’re okay and understood and not alone. It’s a beautiful thing, and I want to let it happen. I want to let them finish painting in their own words. And then maybe I will understand.”—J.S. (via tyleroakley)